ACADEMIC PRESSURE AND A CHILD’S MENTAL HEALTH

I can almost hear some readers thinking ‘my parents need to read this!’

Granted, this is a topic I believe a lot of us can relate to and I hope that after reading this piece we can let go of any hurt we may harbour towards our parents/guardians and do better for our children ourselves.

As parents/guardians, it is not unreasonable to expect excellent academic performance from your children/wards whether they attend high-ranking schools or not. A healthy amount of ‘pressure’ may even be required sometimes to help them be their best. It becomes a problem however, when this comes at a high cost to their emotional and physical wellbeing. More so if you are oblivious to the price they are having to pay, or it just does not matter to you as long as they pack up the A’s at the end of the school term.

When a child is trained to associate their self worth with achievement, it fosters anxiety and depression due to the constant need to outperform and outshine their peers. Depression is also more likely to be seen when there is failure. Unreasonably high expectations from parents will interfere with a child’s identity formation and self perception, it can also lead to performance anxiety and quite possibly cause suicidal thoughts even in children as young as 8 years old.

Laying so much emphasis on academic performance, these parents tend to forget or minimize the importance of intra/interpersonal skills, compassion, conflict resolution, etc. so even when children of such parents really get the expected grades, they may be emotionally and socially maladjusted. Children of parents who stimulate emotional intelligence more tend to have high grades anyway.

A performance reliant child is constantly in a place of competition and constantly worries over the next achievements. This constant worry and fear of not being the best may lead even the best of children into bad behaviour. They may attempt to get the best grades by any means possible, including cheating, stealing, and drugs, to get the approval of their parents.

Know what success means for yourself first and then you can guide your child. As much as possible avoid non-constructive criticism, when your child fails (which is a normal part of life), help them understand that they themselves are not a failure. Help them understand what went wrong and what they can do to get the desired results. Shame is often accompanied with failure, so nurture a trusting relationship with your child, it would help them communicate their emotions and relieve anxiety in those situations.

Knowledge is important, so teach them to enjoy the learning process especially in areas they enjoy. Explore their areas of interests and support them. No child deserves to be fearful and anxious about going to school, taking examinations, getting graded, because of unhealthy parental expectations. The ‘you either win or you win’ attitude of parents will only backfire in the long run.

Lofty parental expectations can also be seen with extracurricular activities such as sports, music, etc. Parents may insist on activities their children should be involved in for various reasons including societal perception. So, in addition to anxiety from being under constant pressure to perform, children may also ignore pain, downplay injuries and ill-health so they can continue participation. They are also more likely to cheat or refuse to participate in activities where they are less likely to be the best.

So dear parents and guardians, make room for your child to explore their interests. Set aside your own unfulfilled dreams and unmet expectations and permit your child to live. Make room for them to be seen and heard, this way they would be less likely to feel like they have disappointed you even if they fail.

Does your child’s performance mean so much to you because you want the best for them, or is it because you want to live that stage of your own life through them?